Addiction doesn’t happen out of nowhere.
Usually, it starts as a way to escape an unpleasant reality and then it becomes your only way out and you simply can’t stop it.
Addiction isn’t linear. It’s messy. It derives from various, very complex factors. Past trauma, traumatic events, triggers, mental illness, distress, living an unfulfilling life.
For me it was anxiety. When I was 18 I developed a very serious anxiety disorder and my behaviours changed. From that year on, my decisions became increasingly risky, odd, random. No one would understand it, so I developed a new persona.
I was fun and crazy, but normal. My phone would blow up with invitations to go out, to party, to have dinner. I was in a great relationship and I thought I’d marry that person. But at a certain point, I lost my balance.
Secretly, I started seeing other guys. Nothing serious. Go out, get drunk, make out at the club and then go home, I was cheating but convinced myself it wasn’t that bad.
I started to depend on drugs to sleep and also taking anti depressives. This left me in a state of floating through life, not really taking responsibility for my reckless acts and not caring about anything.
Eventually, my relationship blew up.
There was nothing holding me back. At 19 years old, I was single, high on prescription drugs, alcohol and horny as fuck.
In the course a year, I went from having had 3 sexual partners to around 15. I would actively seek them, most were brief relationships of only a couple of weeks. I was empty and I had nothing to offer to another person. Having always been a highly sexual individual, I was still convinced that was the way to find the comfort and soothe I needed and, momentarily (like every drug), I did.
That’s what I did. The following year, I went to study abroad and with my new found freedom and emancipation, things got even worse.
I found a way to manage my addiction without completely giving up my social life; but I still relapse, a lot.
It wasn’t all bad. Along my way, I met some amazing people, had priceless experiences and always had a couple of friends who still cared for me. I think I learned a lot about people, too.
That’s what I mean to share on here. Maybe that will be the bright side to my downward spiral into sex addiction and my come back up, to write about my stories: whether sad, happy, amusing, crazy, ridiculous, dangerous; there was always something I took from them that I now carry with me. Little pieces I collected. Experiences I can’t forget, good or bad.
Until next time.